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  These jokes are going to be  funny to anyone who is Unitarian Universalist or who is familiar with Unitarian Universalists. For the rest of you, it will help to know that UU’s LOVE to argue, are very big on social justice, are extremely social, believe in finding your own spiritual path, and have little set dogma.

Here we go:
Unitarian Universalism - Where all your answers are questioned.


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For a UU, a "tradition" is something that was done last year, and a "firmly established tradition" is something that has been done for the past two years. If it has been done for the last three years, it is "the way we've always done it."
 
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It's near the end of the day at the Pearly Gates and there are just three people left.  The first one approaches St. Peter. St. Peter asks the man his religion and the guy says that he's a Catholic.  St. Peter pages through a thick book, reads something and then asks, "Did you go to church every Sunday and receive the sacraments?" The guy says, "Oh, yes," and St. Peter lets him into Heaven.
 
The next guy approaches and St. Peter asks what religion he is.  "I'm Jewish." St. Peter again flips through the book, reads something and asks, "Did you study the Torah?" The guy responds, "Oh yes," and St. Peter lets him into heaven.

The last person approaches and when asked she tells St. Peter that she is UU. St. Peter again flips through his book, looks up and asks, "Did you bring a hot dish to share?"
 

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Unitarian Henry Thoreau was questioned about his beliefs during the last hours of his life. A concerned neighbor at his bedside asked, "Have you made peace with your maker?" Thoreau replied, "I never quarreled with my maker."
 
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Being a Unitarian minister is like pushing a wheelbarrow full of frogs. 

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A Roller finally got fed up with my responses to his dogma one day and demanded, "Do you know what's going to happen when you stand in judgment before God?"

I responded, "She is going to have some big explaining to do."

The Roller gave up.

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"A Theology of Announcements:"

*          Buddhism: All announcements are suffering.

*          Islam: All announcements are submission.

*          Christian: In heaven there are no announcements.

*          Jewish: No one but your mother should be making announcements.

*          Unitarian Universalist: In the interdependent web of all announcements, each has its own inherent worth and dignity.


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Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud wrestling a pig. Pretty soon you realize the pig likes it.
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Q. How do we know Jesus was not a UU?
A. Because if he was, there would have been 24 co-disciples.
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"The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian."
- Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077
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You might be a UU if you think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle."
 
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From the Simpsons:

Bart is playing Billy Graham's Bible Busters in which you zap people and convert them to Christianity. Bart is really getting into the game and after zapping a guy he exclaims "Alright I got him". Ned Flanders' boys reply, "No you just winged him, now he's a Unitarian."
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How many Unitarians does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. You can't replace light bulbs with Unitarians. They complain too much when you try to screw them in.
 
 
Now I'll tell you a real story that happened in our Sunday school.  The Kindergarten class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen."  Does anyone know what "amen" means, the teacher asked.  There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "send"
 
(from the First Unitarian Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico)
UUs are basically good people, who, for the most part, try to live by the 10 suggestions.
Have you heard the latest UU miracle?
Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla. 
What did the UU who was studying Zen ask the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything." 
There was a UU minister who was giving a sermon on the annual pledge drive:
"The sermon on the amount."
 
Here's the report from our ministerial search committee about some of the candidates:

Adam: Good man, but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of his wife walking naked in the woods. A lot of secrecy about a rumored ex-wife.

Noah: Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Joseph: A big thinker, but braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Solomon: Great preacher, but our church would never hold all his wives.

Jonah: Refused God's call to ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed by a great fish. He told us later that the fish spit him out on the beach. We hung up.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, has been known to curse. Had a big run in with Paul. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader. However, short on tact, unforgiving, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder, conservative with excellent connections. Knows how to handle money. We are inviting him to preach next Sunday, real possibilities here.
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Our history---The Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people, while the Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned. 
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A UU meeting must seem strange to outsiders. A person will speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.
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Shortly after a woman began attending the Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Summit, New Jersey, she found herself in a restaurant on Sunday noon. It was small establishment, with tables close together, and so she could not help overhearing the conversation at the table behind her. Two people were discussing their dissatisfactions with some aspect of the church they both attended. Suddenly, one of them asked, "Well, what do the Unitarians believe in?" Without a pause, the other replied, "Recycling!"
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A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him, "Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, conists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!
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The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures.
The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?"
"I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply.
"But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher.
"They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."